I’ve been thinking about writing this post for a while. Hesitating, really.
It’s not an easy one for me to write and I’m sure you’ll understand why as you go through it.
A few days ago, during a weekend, I fell ill with something, maybe it was something I ate. Probably. doesn’t matter, I’m okay now – physically anyway. If there is something that will make you feel alone is being sick and not having anyone to take care of you.
I’ve often been asked by friends, acquaintances, dates… how do I manage to live by myself. Manage. That’s the keyword here because it’s become clear to me that living alone is not for everyone, and that some people would struggle, and some others would not. And there are people who may struggle at times but remain silent; we manage.
“Oh I love the freedom”, “I can do whatever I want”, “My cats are a good company”. These are all easy answers; because there are easy and hard answers.
I always blurt out one of the easy ones and move on; I swiftly change the subject to prevent getting into a deeper, more awkward conversation.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’m lying all the time; usually, I mean it. But there are other times…
Like I said, I’ve been thinking about this a lot in the last few weeks, I’ve had some rough days, but I’ve managed.
Sometimes this all starts to add, the feeling of loneliness doesn’t often come alone and it usually involves a harsh look at the past, at the things that were and those that weren’t. It’s often plagued with What-ifs and Should’ves. Should’ve, could’ve, would’ve.
I try to find outlets. This is why I’ve tried to be more creative lately; keeps my mind busy. But even there I’ve failed: I’m way behind the blog posts I had planned, l haven’t edited all the photos and videos and I said I would in the past two weeks, and I haven’t practiced as much guitar as I would like to.
That’s probably the most frustrating part of all: when I finally reach a moment of clarity, looking back it feels like I wasted days, weeks, months just … grieving, but managing.
I could be watching a movie or a show, I could be taking a walk, or just buying groceries. And then it hits me, out of nowhere.
“What if I could be sharing this moment with someone?” It may sound dumb, I know. Someone to buy groceries with? Yes. I know it’s a little thing, but it’s the little things in life that give it meaning, and I feel like I’ve been lacking a lot of those lately.
Then all of a sudden a scene begins playing in my mind’s eye. And my imagination runs wild, I can come up with entire conversations in a second. Could’ve, would’ve.
And these conversations more often than not involve her. More often than not, I see her. And it wrecks me; because eventually my mind comes back to reality and I have to face yet another moment by myself.
This isn’t a cry for help, as much as it may come off as one. I’m sure I’ll be fine, I’m sure I’ll manage.